Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my birthday, and I got a pretty good gift; my husband is improving, and best of all, his renal function tests are now NORMAL!  This is what I was most worried about, and it’s such a relief.  He’s still sick, still in ICU, and breathing is still an effort, but everything is progressing at a pace that made his  doctor marvel.  He’s talking about possible release on Wed!  (Maybe Thursday…) A very, very  happy day indeed.

I was thinking about how all year I’ve been obsessing about turning fifty, whine, whine.  Nothing like a little crisis to throw things into perspective.  I had no party, hardly any gifts (thank you, Mom & Dad, and Eric), no friends to celebrate with, no accomplishments to look over with pride; but all that didn’t matter at all.  I had the loveliest birthday dinner eating salad out of a bag (literally!) sitting on the end of my husband’s bed, in a shabby sterile hospital room.  He almost died this weekend, and he’s going to be okay, and he loves me and wants me around, bad times and good, and I have two wonderful kids that I’m so proud of.  My best friend made it through surgery and is doing ok.  I even got a chocolate soy pudding for a treat!  What else could I possibly want?

It’s not that I took those things for granted before, or didn’t appreciate them; my family has always been my greatest love and greatest joy.  Having always been the breadwinner though, I became focused on career as my measure of success, which is really truly hysterical, since I never wanted anything more than to be a good wife and mother.  I never had any drive to be anything else.  And I think I am a good wife and mother, for the most part.  It is enough. Hanging on to my “boys,” keeping them healthy and happy and balanced; that’s really my success.

I am exhausted though.  I ran on fear for several days, and it’s catching up on me; I’m starting to feel like I did after Thanksgiving.  Well, maybe not quite that bad.  It’s bedtime for bonzo, so I can get up and figure out how to celebrate a birthday in the ICU.  Good Night, Stars.

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