Hope: An Epic Fail

I just returned from the doctor after reviewing my bloodwork.  It did not go well.

I have textbook perfect bloodwork, except for a Vitamin D deficiency, which from a quick trip to Web MD seems to be due to being overweight, as Vitamin D is trapped in the fat cells.  Nutritionally, I probably get enough, since I eat eggs frequently and fish occasionally.  He’s going to put me on a supplement to see if that helps.

Other than that, I’m perfect.  So why the pain, exhaustion, difficulty swallowing, and other weird symptoms I have?  Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.  Depression.

I just looked up the DSM IV criteria for depression.  To diagnose depression, there are a list of symptoms, of which you must have 5 consistently for two weeks, and one of which must be a cardinal sign, which is 1.)depressed mood or 2.)loss of interest.

I have two of the criteria, neither of which are a cardinal sign.  The two I have are fatigue and diminished ability to think.  Pain is not even listed among the criteria, much less dysphagia, dizziness, temperature fluctuations, dry skin and itch, etc.

I asked him about combination therapy for the hypothyroidism; he flat out refused, since my TSH is normal.  I asked why there is so much resistance to even trying combination therapy, to which he replied he sees no reason for it.

He did test me for FM tender points, which was negative, not surprisingly. He did NOT touch my thyroid or in fact, touch me for any other sort of exam.

Tears of anger and frustration are ALWAYS seen as depression. I wish I could not cry, but that’s who I am, how I’ve been all my life.  I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m angry, I cry boatloads when I have PMS, I cry when my heart is touched, I’m the John Boenhner of crying. It does not mean I’m depressed.

I have not lost interest in anything.  I love spending time with my family, doing things with them.  I find happiness in playing board games with Murphy, or in watching his baseball practices.  I love to cook, I love music and reading and crafting and so many things, none of which do I not “WANT” to do.  Some I can’t do sometimes, most I can make myself do and the cost is always high, but I do it because the joy is worth the cost.

His plan is to treat the Vit D deficiency, see him in a month.  Ok, fine.  Meanwhile, unlike a depressed person, I will comb the internet for medical studies and see what I can do to find data for combination therapy.  I will get as much sun as I can.  I will see the NP and discuss it with her, since she presented herself as an advocate.  And I will continue to thank God every day that my husband still believes me, supports me, loves me.

Right now though, I think I’ll go cry some more.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. asbestos
    Mar 16, 2011 @ 13:40:16

    Oy. I was hoping for something a little more hopeful — even if it was just listening to you and pondering the symptoms. I have NEVER heard of pain as a symptom of depression, at least the kind of pain you experience. I sure hope the NP is more helpful.
    Big hugs ❤


  2. Kimberly
    Mar 18, 2011 @ 09:43:18

    I am so very sorry. I wish that I had something useful to offer. It seems standard not to touch patients any more. I remember that was how doctor’s really diagnosed people.


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