Second Guesses

It’s so terribly easy to begin to think that these nebulous, non-specific, not objective kinds of symptoms are all in your head, that really you’re just lazy, or your muscles have atrophied, or some other thing where it’s all in your mind, or somehow your fault that you’re not doing the things you should, or even want to do.

It’s on days like today that I realize how much I second guess myself.

Today, after several good nights’ sleep, I woke up feeling a bit more energetic, a bit less in pain, a bit more hopeful.  Every time I wake up like that, feeling better, I just start in, doing things.  Cooking, cleaning, interacting with the kids, whatever is there.  Without thinking about it.  I just DO it.  It makes me realize again that no, I’m not lazy. I’m not avoiding work.  I’m not exaggerating my pain or fatigue. I do things when I can.

All my adult life (I’ll exclude my teenage years, as my mother would probably refute it, with cause) I’ve never shirked from work.  I’m not always the greatest at figuring what needs to be done, but if someone tells me “this needs doing” I pretty much have always just pitched in and done it.  There are even household chores I actually enjoy; laundry, washing dishes, sweeping, even mopping floors sometimes (though I admit, my house does not always indicate such.)  I have felt so guilty over my inability to do these things lately.  Washing dishes had become really painful, even when the fatigue was better, that I’d taken to leaving even just a cereal bowl in the sink, because the thought of the pain involved in standing there to wash it for 3 minutes was too much.  I hate leaving my mess for others to deal with.

I don’t know if it’s the new medication actually working, or just a cyclical reprieve.  I hope it’s the medication, as that would bode well for the future, but whatever it is, I’ll take it for as long as it lasts.  Another blessing to count.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. asbestos
    Aug 01, 2011 @ 12:56:28

    I’m rooting for the medication! It would be so wonderful to have something actually HELP!!!! I think if you stop to think about it, you have to stop second guessing yourself. Maybe inactivity makes something worse, maybe increased weight puts more of a strain on your body, BUT it has become obvious to me (and I’m not even living near you) that what you are going through is a real, physiological reality. They may never have a clear answer, but that doesn’t make it any less real.


  2. Kimberly
    Aug 04, 2011 @ 10:12:19

    I am sending wishes that it is the meds. You have stated how I feel perfectly.


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