Losing It

Ok, so I’m supposed to be learning the whole Buddhist thing, accepting things as they are.  It’s not working very well right now.  I’m angry and depressed  and frustrated.  And scared. We’re broke, and I can’t find a job.  I’m in pain, I couldn’t sleep last night, then slept the day away.  My cellphone, which contains my entire life, died and needs repair, and the closest shop is in Oxnard.  Who knows if I can afford it anyway?   The brain fog is just brutal, and it makes me feel so incompetent.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve put a load of laundry in the washer and forgot about it, then get too tired/in pain/brain dead to get back to the washing, so that by the time I get back to the washer the clothes smell of mildew, and have to be washed again.  I need to start putting a reminder in my phone; oh yeah, it’s dead.  I’m frustrated with everyone right now, but probably mostly with myself, so I’m hiding in my room because I don’t want to snap, scream or otherwise traumatize the poor family.

At least I get to catch up on Torchwood episodes.

 

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Frustrating

I really want to blog regularly, but on days like today it’s very difficult.  I don’t really have much to say other than complain about how much pain I’m in, and even I’m sick of that.

So, what did I do today?  I did three loads of laundry, including all the Thanksgiving linens.  It’s a good thing that laundry is one of the chores I enjoy.  I did four loads yesterday; how much laundry can three or four people generate?  Apparently a lot.  But I love hearing the machine going, I love folding the clean warm clothes.  Especially when I manage to get to them just when the dryer stops; the heat feels so good on my pained fingers.

I cleaned my toilet.  I can’t tell you how bad it was, but even Murphy said “Mom, you NEED to clean your toilet!  When the 10 year old boy notices, it’s bad.  So it’s lovely clean now, and that feels good.

I made a homemade turkey pot pie for dinner. It was pretty good, but I always screw up my first attempt; next time I’ll know to put it in the small rectangular pan, and maybe par cook the potatoes, they were a little underdone.  Overall though, it was pretty good.  Murphy didn’t love it; too many vegetables.

I got my very last newsletter done for the guild and forwarded the files to the new person. I really enjoyed doing it for a while, but my brain fog makes it hard to focus and meet deadlines.  I’m glad I gave it up before I screwed up badly.

I archived some knitting patterns and started a new pair of mitts. Mitts are on my mind because of the cold pain in the fingers.  I’m supposed to be making things to sell, of course, not things for me, but whatever.

Tomorrow I need to work on a labeling system for the things I want to sell.  Again, the brain fog makes it hard to focus, but I’ve got to get it done.

Off for a cup of tea and bedtime.  Good night, Moon.

Overwhelmed

I’ve been trying to write a post for a week that I just can’t seem to finish.  I’m tired, in pain, tired of being in pain, tired of whining about it. I’m tired of job hunting and feeling a failure and useless.  I’m tired of carrying the financial responsibility for the family.  I’m tired of feeling stupid and incapable and unqualified. I’m tired of worrying.  I’m tired of the house falling down around my ears.  I’m tired of bugs and spiders and vermin and heat.  I’m tired of fucking with my diet and obsessing about food.  I’m tired of not sleeping well.  I’m tired of feeling ugly and unemployable.

A good portion of this angst is probably hormonal, but a lot of the underlying frustration is not.  Don’t get me wrong; there’s a lot of my life that I love and wouldn’t trade for anything, most of which is my family.  I love my husband and my sons more than anything I can imagine, and I’m so grateful to have them. That’s the one upside of this underemployment thing; I get to spend more time with them.  But that doesn’t get the damn bills paid.  I just want to pay the  bills doing something that matters.  Or better yet, stay home and be June Cleaver.

I need a break, and I seem unlikely to get one.

As I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I can’t help thinking of my asbestos friend, who is under so much stress; the never-ending, merciless, drawn out kind, and who still manages to work full-time, keep a civil relationship with her family, friends and co-workers, do things in the community, be a superlative friend, and so much more, while not feeling the best herself.  She’s amazing.  So how can I get so upset over a little money worry?

I’ll probably perk up tomorrow.  Hormones suck.  So does job hunting.  Both together suck exponentially.

It’s Hot, Baby!

We’re just starting a heat wave, and already I’m miserable.  Worse, my computer is NOT happy about the heat; even with a cooling fan my laptop is getting too hot to touch.  Think I’m exaggerating?  It melted my cellphone’s casing.  No kidding.  Oy.

Some good things that happened today?   Eric did a good job cleaning the kitchen after dinner.  Thanks, Eric!  Jenny gave me a bag of fresh garden greens; kale and swiss chard. I’ve never had swiss chard, so guess who hit VegWeb.com for recipes first thing?  Thanks, Jenny!  And last, I had better than the usual number of good responses to sales calls today at work.  WHOO HOO!

The heat is not good for the diet.  I get cranky and don’t want to heat anything, and just want to grab crap.  Luckily Peru was cooking tonight, so I got a veggie burger and steamed veggies instead of oh, say, Purely Decadent Chocolate Obsession ice cream for dinner.

Must work on getting some exercise into my day.  In a freaking heat wave.  Oh joy.  =]

Upfront

Ok, so the idea of this blog was to document the lifestyle changes I’m making.  I haven’t done a very good job. Documenting, I mean.  I tend not to write when I don’t have something funny or positive to say, and this last year or so has been not so much fun.  It’s not  fun to talk about being depressed, or your low self esteem, or the inability to function,  retain a job.  It’s not fun to talk about feeling crappy and in pain all the time.  But it’s part of the journey,  right?  So I’ll try, at least sometimes, to talk about the inner battles.

The past week has been hard.  It’s becoming evident that my new job is not going to pan out.  I’m getting the “not today, maybe tomorrow” stringing along thing that feels like he wants me to quit so he doesn’t have the bother of firing me. Annoying, I must say.  Is every boss terminally passive aggressive?  Just wondering…  And I’ve been in pain.  A lot of pain. Both knees hurt, my muscles and joints ache, my lower back is in spasm,  and the lovely mid cycle pain I’ve had for 15 years is in full bloom.  Job hunting is intrinsically humiliating, no more so than when you’re 150 pounds overweight, have horrible teeth, and look even older than your almost 50 years because your hair is  white.  So I haven’t been in the greatest mood of late.

So, what can I do about it?  Well, step one was to color the hair.  In keeping with the less chemicals, more natural lifestyle I’m attempting, I used henna and indigo, which was an interesting experience.  First; the process.  I am a spaz. I am uncoordinated and sore and physically have difficulty actually applying the henna to my hair.  Peru tried to help, but he’s a guy.  And I burst into tears, thinking how sad it is that I don’t have a friend in the state (only in MA   =[  ) that I can do girl stuff with.  And feeling a tad hypocritical  that I have to change my outward appearance to fit into the job market, or the friend market, or whatever.  Anyway, I finally get the henna on, with Peru’s help, and wash it out…. Green hair.  Truly green, a lovely brown/green moss color.  All I could do was laugh.  Luckily, my experience with natural dyes taught me that indigo needs to oxidize to reach it’s full color, so I just shrugged my shoulders and said I’ll see what it looks like tomorrow.  By morning, much of the green had turned to soft brown, so I figured I’d be ok.  Took about two days for the full color to develop.  They might want to warn people about that…  More of a problem than the color was the unevenness of it.  I have several places where the indigo didn’t get applied well, so it’s more red than brown.  Kinda blotchy.  But that also softened over time.  It’s still a little odd, but mostly I like it. I do look younger, for sure.  Next time I’ll know better, I hope.  I never do anything right the first time, which must be a great comfort to Eric.

The next step is weight loss, of  course.  A much more long term goal, however.  I’ve lost 22 lbs and I’ve stuck to the program pretty well, which I do feel proud about.  I think I may have to start entering food at some point to keep calorie counts, but right now just sticking to the vegetarian thing and not eating between meals (except fruit, occasionally) is working.  Exercise is a bit more of a problem.  I have this fantasy of living a European life; walking every day to the store to buy the food we’ll eat that day.  The pain has put a dent in any walking plans.  Both knees have been hurting, the right worst,  though it is a bit better yesterday and today, so that’s good. But the back spasms aren’t fun, and the cramping doesn’t help.  I’ve tried sleeping in the chair, sleeping in the bed, sleeping on the couch; none of them works for very long, so not only am I in pain, but I’m exhausted.  But again, it is getting marginally better every day.  I do wish I could get some muscle relaxants, but I’ll have to rely on heat and rest and slow stretches.

As far as the job goes, I’ve applied for unemployment.  If that comes through, I’ll relax a bit.  I’ll keep looking of course, but maybe I can go back to school to get a CAREER instead of just a job.   That would be nice.  Meanwhile, I’m going to try to get myself together, work on my health, work on my house, play with the Murph before he grows to not want us around anymore. I’ll work on knitting and spinning with an eye towards selling some of the finished product.  I guess we’ll manage somehow.  I do get disgruntled sometimes that *I* have to be the one that earns; I’d really love a year off. I never wanted to be a career girl, always wanted to be the Mom, clean house, cook, be room mother and join the PTA but life happens, you do what you need to.  Peru is way more patient with the kids, and it is harder for him to find a job.  So that’s how it is.

After all this bitching, I need to say that I know the good things in my life, and I really appreciate them.  My kids are healthy, happy; my husband loves me and is so good to me; I have a roof over my head and I’m safe and happy. I get angry at myself for always whining.  But pain is wearing, as is stress.  I know things could be worse.  Things HAVE been worse.  So I’ll get over it.  Eventually. =]

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