Overwhelmed

I’ve been trying to write a post for a week that I just can’t seem to finish.  I’m tired, in pain, tired of being in pain, tired of whining about it. I’m tired of job hunting and feeling a failure and useless.  I’m tired of carrying the financial responsibility for the family.  I’m tired of feeling stupid and incapable and unqualified. I’m tired of worrying.  I’m tired of the house falling down around my ears.  I’m tired of bugs and spiders and vermin and heat.  I’m tired of fucking with my diet and obsessing about food.  I’m tired of not sleeping well.  I’m tired of feeling ugly and unemployable.

A good portion of this angst is probably hormonal, but a lot of the underlying frustration is not.  Don’t get me wrong; there’s a lot of my life that I love and wouldn’t trade for anything, most of which is my family.  I love my husband and my sons more than anything I can imagine, and I’m so grateful to have them. That’s the one upside of this underemployment thing; I get to spend more time with them.  But that doesn’t get the damn bills paid.  I just want to pay the  bills doing something that matters.  Or better yet, stay home and be June Cleaver.

I need a break, and I seem unlikely to get one.

As I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I can’t help thinking of my asbestos friend, who is under so much stress; the never-ending, merciless, drawn out kind, and who still manages to work full-time, keep a civil relationship with her family, friends and co-workers, do things in the community, be a superlative friend, and so much more, while not feeling the best herself.  She’s amazing.  So how can I get so upset over a little money worry?

I’ll probably perk up tomorrow.  Hormones suck.  So does job hunting.  Both together suck exponentially.

Chocolate Mousse

Work was trying today but at least it’s Friday.  Two whole days off!  Was feeling a bit better pain wise today, but rude customers at work and a minor run in with the Boss left me in a less than cheerful state.  Probably PMSing too.  So don’t really have much to say today – oh wait, I have a recipe!

I was hungry late night, didn’t want chips or salty food. Probably due to the PMS I was craving chocolate.  So I decided to whip up some chocolate mousse.  Didn’t have a recipe, but remember that Peanut Butter Chocolate Pie I made for Father’s Day?  I took a hint from that and made just the chocolate layer, as pudding.

Vegan Chocolate Mousse

1 package silken tofu
1 package vegan chocolate chips
approx 1/4 cup agave nectar (or to taste)

Melt chocolate chips in microwave; about 2 1/2 minutes; stir to liquify.  Place tofu, drained and agave in blender.  Add melted chocolate; Blend like crazy.  Presto! So easy and SOOOO delicious.  If our freezer wasn’t iffy, I’d have put some into our popsicle molds for a yummy ice-cold treat.  I might  use the leftovers as frosting, or ooooo a creamy middle for cupcakes. The mind boggles….

B – tofu scramble with potato, spinach
S – green drink
L – leftover  veggie burger with veggie slices cheese on half a “thin” bun, cucumber
S – Veggie Straws snack, lavash bread, nectarine
D – Tofu scramble with potato soyrizo, and kale; corn on the cob
S – Chocolate Mousse

Typing these daily menus reminded me that some question eating soy for those taking thyroid replacements.  I’m eating a LOT of soy. I’m thinking about perhaps next week trying to avoid soy, trying some seitan instead.  My first attempt at making seitan didn’t go as well as I’d have liked; but I’ve looked at a lot of recipes and videos and I think maybe I’m up for another try.  On the other hand, if I start treatment with Nathan Monday, I won’t know which thing did it if I feel better; so maybe I’ll talk to Nathan about it and see what he thinks.  I will probably make the seitan anyway to get a little variety into my diet.  I think this will be a batch cooking weekend; though I have to be careful since Sears can’t come out to look at our freezer (again) until the 12th.